On the Road to Recovery

This cold still has me pretty wiped out, but I'm beginning to see the light at the end of the tunnel. I stopped taking the antiemetics yesterday and haven't been nauseous. I've thrown up a few times, but that's just because coughing sets off my gag reflex. You really wanted to know that, didn't you? I've even eaten chocolate and had a few cups of tea - absolute heaven on my scratchy sore throat.

Hopefully feeling better will translate into more frequent postings. And hopefully more to write about other than how crappy I feel.

The Start of Depression

Really wanted to take a nap with the toddler today, but I couldn't seem to fall asleep despite being exhausted and sick. Might have something to do with my heart pumping at 90bpm because of all the sudafed I took in an obviously vain attempt to clear some of the snot out of my head.

I dozed for a bit and then just let my mind wander around aimlessly. It tends to go into the darker corners if left to its own devices for long, and sure enough I soon found myself reflecting on my depression. Despite the reams of paper I’ve wasted over the years writing in my journal about how dreadful I felt, I’ve rarely taken the time or effort to think about it more objectively. I’m sure that’s related to the deep shame that accompanies my depression.

I started cutting the summer that I was 13. Back then I thought I was trying to kill myself. I didn’t know that I could just want to hurt myself. I didn't know anything about cutting, but I did understand that it would shock and horrify anyone who found out about it. The fear that someone would judge me truly sick, added to the shame I already felt, led to me hide that experience even from my own therapists a decade after I'd quit cutting.

Although I carry a few faint scars from those years, I rarely cut deep enough to do any lasting damage. Because getting caught was not an option. I still remember the first boy who ever refused denial about what I was doing: when I told him I’d scratched myself he grabbed my wrist and called me a liar to my face. I had to get rid of him, obviously.

Because worse than the mental and emotional anguish of my depression, was the idea of anyone finding out about it.

Finally Over

Q fell in love with the shiny black shoes when he went to try on his tux for the wedding this past weekend. See? He is my son! He wore them all afternoon with white socks and shorts. He got that part from his father. 

And he's officially 3 years old now.

Of course being physically compromised by my pregnancy, the wedding festivities wore me out. I woke up in the middle of last night with a serious cold starting. So I pretty much gave up and let Q watch TV all day and eat as many left over Easter peeps as he could hold.

A Cuppa

I've now been taking antiemetics for almost 10 days so I decided to risk a cup of tea. It didn't sit well while it was super hot, but I've kept it down! I can't even begin to describe the deliciousness of a soft jolt of caffeine in my super fatigued body.

How to Cure Morning Sickness

• Put saltines on bedside table to eat before getting out of bed. Wake up at 4am to the sound of your overweight cat eating the crackers for you. Curse cat; get out of bed to vomit.
• Eat an apple after the morning bile purge. Repeat on subsequent days as this seems to help. Vomit apple on subsequent days.
• Drink the usual morning cup of black tea. Vomit. Drink ginger tea. Vomit. Drink cinnamon tea. Vomit. Give up drinking anything hot. Mourn bitterly.
• Drink milk over ice despite having always hated milk. After a few days begin to vomit up the milk.
• Eat pickle after pickle. Eat at least one more pickle than you can safely keep down before realizing you've done so.
• Eat whatever you want. Decide to not care that you will vomit 20 minutes later.
• Contemplate spending $20/day for a drug that will stop the madness if your insurance refuses to pay for it.

Morning, Noon, and Night Sick

Holy crap. Could I possibly feel any worse? Oh, wait, I'm sure I could.

Sorry I haven't been posting, but I've been really busy throwing up. My toddler has been spending this past week with his grandparents so I've had lots of time to nap and sit around feeling sorry for myself.