Saturday, December 17, 2011

A Folding Inward

I have been paying too much attention to my own floundering moods. Disappointment, resentment, fear, and regret playing a symphony of judgement along my neurons. Depression never allows me "just" a bad day (or more honestly lately, a bad week).

Each day that lurches forward with fatigue or snappishness or just a general sense of blah, needs to be examined for deeper problems. Was it just the late night? Or maybe only holiday stress? Is my blood sugar low? Is it PMS? Do I just need to go for a walk to clear my head? Or take a nap?

Or is it something more serious? Am I in denial about it being more serious? Am I creating something more serious by obsessing?

I have an intuitive sense that this is a resting point, a settling in. And it's my fear of the stillness that's making me a little crazy. In the past I've lamented the warm, sunny days that come with this time of year in the desert because they were in such discord with my own need to fold inward. Now I have my cold, dark days and suddenly fear I will never unfurl again.

So a nap, a cup of something hot, and sitting down with my fear instead of sparring with it.

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