Sunday, October 14, 2007

Dreamy Thoughts

I couldn't sleep last night despite being exhausted. I had a terrible headache and every time I went into a prone position I would throw up a little bit in my mouth. So I popped half a Unisom, sat on the couch in the dark until it took hold, and then spent the night there on the couch. I actually like sleeping on our couch; it's way more comfortable than our needs-to-be-replaced mattress, and there is no preschooler smothering me. I dreamt of coyotes yipping and howling in the night. Of course the windows were open last night so that may not have been a dream at all.

I'm trying not to complain about the indigestion and headache and exhaustion even though complaining is something I do so very well. I'm trying to just accept what's happening to my body in these last few weeks of pregnancy. Many years ago, while still living in the Silicon Valley, I had the opportunity to take a self-actualization class with this amazing woman. The two most important things I took away from her class were 1)trust your instincts, and 2)an introduction to Tao.

The instinct thing...I'm still pretty terrible at it and forget to do a gut check pretty much all the time.

But Tao is something that keeps coming up in my life over and over again. So much so that even I, she who forgets she has an instinct and overthinks everything instead, has had to take notice. It's popped up again recently, and I suddenly feel that I need to try to be in the moment instead of fighting so hard. I spend too much energy wishing this baby would come early, feeling miserable and beaten for being in pain, beating myself up for not being that perfect, blissful image of mom and pregnant woman that I carry around in my head. God, she's a bitch.

Right now I have an almost overwhelming urge to curl up on the couch and disconnect from so much of life. I want to cocoon - flip through magazines, try to read (I suddenly can't concentrate even on my guilty pleasure books), nap, snack, maybe watch a movie, maybe journal a bit. I don't want to run errands or cook dinner or do laundry. I don't want to be distracted from the last bit of time I'll have with this child that is just him and me.

Of course that's not realistic. Things still need to get done. I still have another child and a husband who both need attention and can't carry the household load alone. I still have obligations. Here I smile to myself and think of a line from Illusions by Richard Bach - the best way to avoid obligation is to say I have obligations.

So I'm taking a deep breath (hey, that's not so easy with a baby pushing into your lungs), and just going with the moment. Today I need to get snacks for tomorrow's prenatal class. Today I need to do one load of laundry. I do not need to worry about volunteering at the school tomorrow, if I'll have the energy to meet friends on Wednesday, or even if I'll sleep well tonight. The time will come for those things and the time comes for all things.

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