As I sit down to write something for what feels like the 15th time in the last few weeks, one more thing (probably) destined to never be published*, Cha-Cha starts yelling at me from downstairs. Again. And if I weren't already in a crappola mood I'd be laughing because it's such a great example of the quagmire I currently find myself attempting to wade through.
It's back. That deep restlessness that creeps up on me randomly. Where 'randomly' means 'like clockwork'. And where 'creeps up' actually means 'finally got louder than everything else making all that noise in my head'.
Getting my ADHD diagnosis about 2 years ago was a huge game changer for me. I finally started to feel like a grown up. I finally understood why the simplest tasks that everyone else seemed to manage just fine were so impossible for me (even though I was often told I was too smart for my own good, which I assumed meant I was ahead of the game). I finally had the necessary lens to bring into focus my battle with depression. Most importantly, it helped me make sense of a life that felt like it had no center keeping it together.
It was all rainbows! And unicorns! And glitter! And dozens of really bad metaphors for what it feels like to be inside my crazy little brain!
Where 'rainbows and unicorns and glitter' means 'life pretty much went on as usuall'. And all the bad metaphors... well, actually those did happen, and if you were one of the people forced to listen to me ramble on about them - I am so sorry.
It turns out having a diagnosis, and even medicating, didn't magically make my troubles disappear (documented here, here, and here) - who could have guessed?! Of course I realized it wouldn't be that easy - no really, I knew it would be work. I just didn't realize it wouldn't be such hard work. So, you know, pity party at my house...
I sometimes feel like I only have 2 options: 1. ADHD isn't real and your life is a mess because you're just a fuck-up, and 2. ADHD is real and super cool and if you can't make the most of your difference, you're just a fuck up.
Surprisingly neither of these is terribly helpful. But they are both really depressing.
I did manage to find a fantastic site late last night while somewhat hopelessly skimming through websites looking for something that might offer me a bit of relief from the giant overwhelm (aka, every day life). Jeff Siegel at Jeff's A.D.D. Mind has the great tag line, "If ADD is a gift...can I return it for something else?" Which is totally how I'm feeling at the moment.
I plan on spending all that time-when-I-really-should-be-doing-something-else, reading through his entire website. So you can expect me to discuss what he's got going on over there in, say, a year or two?
It just occurred to me that I started this post talking about my youngest son. I guess it won't surprise you that despite how quickly you've read through this, that was a really long time ago for me.
I intended to make the point (wait - am I allowed to do that or should I just keep going with the random thing?) that things have been especially hard for me lately because on top of my own brain jumping around like a crazed monkey on crack, my attention is constantly being jerked around by outside influences. Like the 4 year old who apparently lives in this house too and insists on calling me mommy.
*Oh, oh, oh! I'm publishing!
PS After writing my first draft of this post, I went back to Jeff's A.D.D. Mind for some more fortification and found this post, describing, much more eloquently than I managed, how I'm feeling.