T Minus 1 Week

I woke up this morning composing yet another blog post about all my anxiety and how I'm not getting anything done, with a little oh-my-gods-I-can't-believe-I'm-seriously-leaving-Tucson-in-one-week drama. But then Megan Matthieson read my mind (again) with this amazing blog post, and I felt myself letting go.

This entire move is a turn in a new direction for me, and I am terrified. As usual I seem to believe that if I can control things, I can conquer my fears. Or at least lessen their impact. But it's never worked before, and I seriously doubt it will work now. And not just because my track record of actually being in control is, well...non-existent?

I am so afraid of forgetting things, losings things. As if there were some magical way for me to avoid it. Maybe what I'm really afraid of is losing myself, the one thing I always carry with me. The irony is that once upon a time I wanted to move because I wanted desperately to forget myself. So do I get to claim progress? Because if so... Awesome!

For those interested in actually move details -

Monkey Man is seeing a ton of properties this week, any of which I would be very happy with. If the moving company verifies today that they can take our Saturn on move day, we will be renting an RV for the trip, reinterpreting 'move' to mean 'time for a family vacation'. I am super excited about this possibility, proving once again that I have no common sense. And that I'm a complete dork.

T Minus 3 Weeks

A little math for the day after the holiday:

If degree of denial (D) is proportional to level of freaked-out-ness (F), and D can be extrapolated from the total number of sudoku games completed (Su), then the value of F is?

DEFCON 4, baby!

On the upside, I get to claim that I got lots of things done that weren't even on my to-do list. On the downside, even I can't find a way to make sudoku relevant to our move. And of course there's the problem of not getting stuff for the actual move done. Everyone is soooo demanding!

I do keep recalculating one bit of math in my head day after day - high temperature of the day in Tucson minus the high temperature of the day in Portland? A blissful 30 degrees...

The Portland Move: Day 1

Yes, I have named this day 1 of the move in a completely arbitrary, self-serving manner. But I figure that's true no matter what day I pick, right?

This move parallels the move my parents made in 1974, leaving behind all their family in Texas, the only life they'd ever known, to start over again in Colorado. My brother and I were a year younger than our boys are now, and we don't feel their opportunities are smaller here than they would be in another place. But I can't help but feel a certain link to my Mother's experience of daring to turn away from what is known and move forward into something so uncertain. Of course I have the Internet. Which sort of makes my comparison seem trivial at best. She might as well have moved to the moon, and I'm moving somewhere with a moon mural on the wall.

It's amazing how a little perspective can change your mood from overwhelmed and grumpy, to deeply grateful. Grateful for all the privileges and advantages of modern conveniences, and grateful for a mother who was and is so much braver and stronger than me.

Because Apparently I Need More Stress...

Get ready, lovely readers*, because this blog is about to get a whole new look! I'll soon be publishing from the funky fine city of Portland in the lovely state of Oregon!

Of course by the "blog" getting a "whole new look" I really just mean me getting a whole new look because I don't own enough clothes to keep me warm in Portland. I would like to write about the process of leaving Tucson and moving to Portland though. If I manage to post new content regularly, that counts as a new look, right?

In the meantime, please excuse me while I daydream about sweaters and tights and boots and hats and jackets and long pants.

*look, I know there's only 1 of you, but I like my fantasy so just let me have it

I Survived Sonoma

Wine country went better than expected. Of course I drank more in one day than I've probably had in the entire last year. I am so lucky to be a happy drunk.

I was less delighted when a few unexpected hours in San Francisco had to be spent at Fisherman's Wharf. I LOVE the city to a completely irrational degree, but that smelly tourist trap is good for one thing only - letting all the other out-of-town visitors congregate away from the places I like to go. There was also much noise made about going to Union Square to go shopping in a long list of stores that can only be found in... pretty much every city in America. At least the noisy streets disguised the sound of my grinding teeth.

Monkey-Man was super duper impressed that I managed to not strangle anyone. And I swear I only made faces when everyone's back was turned.

Growing Up at Age: Too Old

My parents came for a visit recently. It went really well. Which I'm assuming means the world actually did end on May 21st, and I am now in Hell. The demons disguised as my parents are just messing with my head.

Or... Adderall turns me into an adult?

I'm going with the Apocalypse Theory.

The temperature here certainly supports the idea that I'm in Hell. My spring fatigue seems to finally be lifting. My husband swears I have reverse SAD - instead of getting depressed when the days grow shorter, I get depressed when the heat starts. Will this be the year I finally get to test that theory by leaving the desert? A girl (at least without medication) can always dream.

I'm currently avoiding packing. The whole family is going to Phoenix tonight. The boys will be staying there with a cousin while Monkey-Man and I go to Sonoma for the weekend. My mother-in-law wanted to celebrate her birthday this year with her sons, away from home. The combination of my crappy self-esteem, Ms. Perfect, and my other sister-in-law who just bought herself a brand new body last summer, makes me so happy there will be copious amounts of alcohol involved. Haven't mixed my new and improved adult self with alcohol yet...

Cranky Web Surfing

Wow. Two years and just over 2 weeks since I last posted here. I wonder if that's some sort of blog record. Wouldn't most people just delete this and start over? Not me. I am the Queen of Unfinished Things, and I like to keep all of the unfinished things around because one never knows when inspiration may strike. At least my little rantings don't take up any real space - at the house I may soon have to claim the title of Queen of Extra Storage Space.

I am having a crappy day. I feel crappy and spent some time this morning trying to convince myself that a lingering cough and fatigue didn't have to translate to a bad day. I lost that argument. I'm sure you've heard all those "experts" rattle on about how working out and eating healthy gives you more energy and puts you in a better mood. Fuck them.

So today I give you a tour of the Internet via my cranky self. Because reading blogs is my favorite way to pretend I'm spending time with my Cha-Cha.

I started out reading email (as I suspect many wasted days begin). An email from Houzz led me to Nuestra Vida Dulce. And here are a list of some of the prettiest places they recommended:

1. House of Turquoise - my favorite color! Wish I'd been smart enough to guess other people might like it as much as me.
2. Made By Girl led me to the next pretty...
3. Huset, because I super-heart Scandinavian design.
4. And finally, Desert Domicile is written by someone here in Tucson. Wait, Tucson? I need cool friends in Tucson - I may have to start my stalking career...