Monday, July 23, 2007

Same Old Me

I'm in a contemplative mood, i.e. grumpy.

I have a bit of a restless streak. I always wanted to be one of those women who lived an unconventional life, but it seems I've settled into supreme conventionality with aplomb. And I'm suprisingly quite happy with it. Perhaps not surprising to everyone, but surprising to me.

But still...

It seems this mood hits me about every 18 months into a new thing - a city, a house, a job. We've been in Tucson for 2 years now, in this house for 18 months, and I've been a stay-at-home mom for 3.5 years!

I've started dreaming of moving to a new town, starting over. I've started a running list in my head of all the things the next place and the next house will have. I'm even using my precious time to browse job listings.

Because having another baby is apparently not enough of a change for me.

Mostly I think I don't like myself very much. Moving and changing careers feels like reinventing myself, and I love the idea of becoming someone new, someone different, someone who isn't me. Of course all the moving and job hopping I've done over the years has never really accomplished the transformation that I crave. How could it?

I'm trying to be more accepting of myself. I'm trying to not be so critical of myself. I'm trying. In the meantime I think I'll sneak a peek at a few more realty and job sites and indulge in my favorite kind of fantasy.

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